Less a-Blaze, more a-phelgm

‘Rolex – from £1,795’

So screams the big-screen advertisement for Ramsdens the pawnbrokers at The Riverside Stadium, home of my favoured provider of sporting disappointment: Middlesbrough FC. The first time I saw that, I assumed there was some sort of typo. I mean, I know Rolex (which I can’t help but pronounce as if to rhyme with ‘bollocks’, like Derek Trotter) is a ‘premium brand’ like Bvlgari or Tiffany’s or Lurpak, but surely that comma should have been a decimal point one digit to the right? Or at most, two digits to the right? Or the word ‘Rolex’ should have read ‘Cars’ or ‘Offshore wind-farm investment opportunity’ or maybe ‘Black market organs’? But no. It wasn’t a typo. People do buy watches that cost ‘from three-times the price of my first car’. For some reason. Actually, I know the reason – its because the watch ‘says something about them’. Presumably something beyond ‘I can tell the time, you know’. I wonder if the very concept of time works more in your favour with a two-grand watch on your wrist? Its physically impossible to be late. You get 18 hours in bed each night? Once every four years on the 29^th February the watch comes alive, meets up with other ridiculously-priced timepieces and puts on a complimentary cabaret evening?

But what’s with all the watch-chat Taylorson? Well, I’ve done it. I’ve pulled the trigger; took the leap; blown some coin. No, I’ve not bought a two-grand watch – I’m not fucking stupid – I’ve bought a fitness tracker watch thing instead. It counts steps. And staircases. And calories. And other things. But alas, I’ve not really put it to the test. Why? Well, I’ve been and continue to be quite ill. I’ve got a chest-infection thing that I just can’t shake. For well over a month I’ve been coughing like a man with a penchant for 40 Benson and Hedges a day. And I’m a veritable phlegm fountain. Not that anyone would want such a fountain. Imagine getting one of those in by mistake for a wedding reception or a birthday party for the little ‘un? No-one would be dipping their strawberries in that. Not a euphemism.

So, in short, I’ve done no running. Well, I’ve done a bit. But then I couldn’t breathe and had to stop. Which isn’t ideal. So I’m yet to put my new watch to the test. When I recover *shakes fist at sky* I’ll be back with some sort of half-arsed review. Oh, it’s a FitBit Blaze by the way, for anyone that cares. And my limited use of it has been pleasing at least. It buzzes when I pass 10,000 steps, or when the pre-set alarm goes off, or when I get a text message. The first time it happened I thought I was having a seizure.

 

Look. There it is. On my wrist and everything.

 

So, I’m laid up – but you don’t need to be. And even from my deathbed (well, sickbed…well, bed…well, chair) I can offer you a little motivation. Occasionally I get contacted by people asking me to promote stuff for them on this here blog. Sometimes I say ‘Of course, and I’ll accept that five-figure sum you’re offering’ (I never say that…sadly) and sometimes I say ‘Take a hike, numbnuts’ (I never say that either) and sometimes I say ‘Sorry, the message went in my junk mail and I didn’t see it for 7 weeks’ before cheerily agreeing. And that as what has happened here. What has happened here? GAH, TRY AND KEEP UP FOR CHRIST’S SAKE:

In association with VirtuaRace.com, a new virtual running site, I want to offer you – yes, YOU – the chance of a FREE entry to one of their races *clutches chest*! Running? For a free medal?  WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?!

They currently have 5K and 10K race entries available, with two different medal designs for each race!

All you have to do be in with a chance of winning a free entry is:

1. Visit the Facebook site here and click the ‘like’ button
2. Share the page
3. Click here and send an e-mail with no content
4. IT’S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!

Competition ends on the 30th April. So do it, DO IT NOW!