Good festive period? I myself cannot complain – I received many fine gifts. Non-finer that the ‘Kleeneze Nose & Ear Hair trimmer’ I received from my dear wife. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. For us both. After all, I can only assume that each time I’ve leant into give the missus a peck on the cheek, I’ve been involuntarily bristling her delicate features with my overgrown nasal jungle – hence the purchase. I’ve not tried the trimmer yet. Oof, I could ‘live blog’ it right now! If I can find a AA battery. Which I can’t. Right, I’ll take one out of the remote control for the DVD player…its alive! It buzzes lightly like a, erm, timid electric hornet. Lets get it shoved up the nose…ouch. No, wait, once the initial few hairs are ripped out you get used to it. Hmm, its quite satisfying is this. Aaaaand into the other nostril. Every time it snip a hair the buzzing is interrupted with clicking. Not unlike a Geiger counter. ‘THE MAN WITH THE RADIOACTIVE NOSTRILS’. Wait, it’s stopped. Urgh, I think I’ve clogged it with some rogue mucus. The instructions do warn against ‘immersing it in liquid’. I’d argue it was something between solid and liquid, thus not invalidating the warranty. Warranty? Also, ‘Do not place trimmer in direct sunlight’? Is it a vampire? Still, on the whole I’m quite pleased with that. And I’ll simply de-clog it later. It’ll be something to look forward to.
Also – and perhaps more running-related – my wife got me a tin of ‘Badger Muscle Rub’. Which, as far as I can fathom, is NOT:
1) Made for badgers
2) Made by badgers
3) Made of badgers’ muscles
4) Made of badgers at all
Badgers aside, its good stuff. I think I’d best describe it as ‘Hell’s Marmalade’ – orange and fiery. Although it’s waxier than marmalade. What’s orange and waxy? Erm, an earwax candle? Apologies for that image. Anyway, you simply rub it in to tired muscles and it heats them up a bit. And it really works – I’ve used it before on my calves after a run (the leg muscles, not infant bovine) and it seemed to aid recovery and detract from general tightness in the lower-leggy area.
If I had a stamp of approval, I’d give it one. That could be a 2016 resolution – purchase stamp of approval and stamp things with it. For the sake of clarity, I will stress that I have not been asked to promote this by the Badger people – visions of a post-apocalyptic human-badger hybrid race abound – as it would take more than the offer of a couple of free tins of Badger-salve to buy out the fiercely independent voice behind this blog. But not too much more…one day the big sponsorship deal will roll in. Ben’s Running Blog – brought to you by Nike. Or Whiskas. Or WD-40. I tell you what; the Star Wars folk have missed a trick by not tying in with that last one. He could be the most lubricated droid in the galaxy.
I must confess as I continue to type, my newly-trimmed nostrils are quite distracting. I feel like I’m getting approximately 47% more oxygen with each inward breath. I’m quite light headed as a result. But I’ll soldier on… I went running this morning you know! First time for 17 days. I felt alright as well, if a little weighty. It was nice to get the first run of the year done on the first day of the year, but I’ve decided that this year I’m going to try and be ‘less mental’ about running. I acknowledge that’s a somewhat ambiguous statement, so I’ll attempt to clarify. I’m going to try and be less bothered about times and PBs and stuff. Just getting out there, that’s what matters. It’s too late to qualify for Rio, after all. Plus I’m going to be more flexible about how often I run (which is perhaps code for ‘not run as often as the 5 times per week I was committing myself to for no reason at all towards the end of last year’). So, I’ll just chill out and enjoy this hobby a bit more. Its as simple as that. Surely. ‘Middlesbrough man in dramatic U-turn – pledges to break world 10,000 metres record by September 2016’
I wouldn’t go as far as to say that the hypothetical, new-fangled ‘lets calm this shit down’ approach to running is a New Year’s resolution. But I have made one (aside from the stamp of approval). Which is unusual for me. Quite simply, I’m just going to try and be a nicer person. A plan with no drawbacks, I feel. I mean, it’ll be tough – given that I’m almost perfect already. But I’ll try… On the running front, I’ve got no big aims. No marathon plans (THANK HADES!), not even any half-marathons pencilled in. I’m an open book. We’ll just have to see what crops up. Well, I’d better do something. I’ve got this blog to write. ‘Day 237 – still no running. I’ll just recount another go with the nose hair trimmer…’
WAIT! DON’T LEAVE YET! I’VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO TELL YOU! Anyone who returns to these ramblings with any degree of regularity may have picked up on the fact that I do like to throw in a film reference or three. Well, I’m channelling all of that misplaced energy (well, some of that misplaced energy…) into a new blog: Ben’s Movie Blog. Every week I’ll review the latest cinematic release in my own unique style. And by that I of course mean a series of rambling asides. Still, if you like this running nonsense (and you’re still reading, so I declare you guilty) you’ll surely love the film nonsense as well. I really should’ve called both blogs that…